ion will yo

"What motivates you?" or "What are you passionate about?" or "What is your heart broken on account of?" or "What do you feel God calling you to?"

I've just realized a sick cycle: determining God's will means following Him closely, does it not? Following God closely means being motivated to do so, does it not? Therefore, I am stuck between these two: being motivated means following God, and following God means being motivated.

I want to take the steps toward God, but I have not the will. Where does will come from? Well, from doing things that you are passionate about. I do not know what I am passionate about. So I ask God what will my heart be broken over, but I am not motivated to listen. See the cycle I'm getting at?

I feel like I'm standing outside of a double dutch, ready to jump in. Once I'm in, I'm golden, but the hard part is getting in. It takes concentration, practice, skill; all the things I don't feel like working on.


So far I think my heart breaks for unchurched high schoolers, but the thing is that it should be something that does not require thinking. I should know what my heart breaks for. I struggle with apathy. Your problems don't bother me. That is wrong. That is not Christ-like. I am broken.

I got inked

I've got two things currently written on my right palm: purity and sacrifice. They are written on my right palm because I am left handed, and they are faded because I wrote them there at about a quarter to four. Also, I tried to write them in fancy, creative script. That is because two reasons: (1) so I spell them correctly and (2) so I actually concentrate on what they mean and why I am writing them on my hand. Actually, it is slightly pointless because I hardy ever look at them, but they are a good reminder.

Why purity? Well, it is easy to master, but not fun. It is easy to lose. In our culture, not much separates you from everyone else, but this does. Purity is a lost art. People do not realize how valuable it is, and I am among them.

Sacrifice is the fundemental principle behind my salvation. Sacrifice is love. Sacrifice is Love.

Never Enough

everything's gotta be my tme. I have come to the point where I will not go out of the way for anyone. What has happened to me? It used to be that I would not mind inconveniencing myself for the sake of someone else. I am not saying that I was perfect. Far from it actually, but I was going in the right direction. Now I am not even stumbling in the right direction; I am either still or going in the wrong direction. Bottom line is that I need to love other people and love myself so that I can accept God's love for me. Let's face it, I have a hard time accepting God's love. This is because He has done everything for me and all I can do for him is not enough. He has forgiven my sins and taken me back countless times, and I have turned countless times. My greatest deeds are meaningless. But God does not expect me to amount to His love. He expects my honest effort and my best. I kno my best is not good enough, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am giving him my all. A-L-L. That's all, mama.
Lesson: I need to love others and myself to accept Christ's Love.

insomnia

I find the night very pleasing. Calm. Everyone's asleep. Except for those few people who are in it with you. Your fellow soldiers. Faceing the long, dark night with you. You are the brave. You know it has to get done, and you know how you have to do it. You have your caffine, regardless of how you spell it, and you have your mission, regardless if you accomplish it. I have to pee. The truth is that I do not accomplish nearly enough work to pair with the time it takes me. No matter. It doesn't bother me. This is because of the things I think and the things I do at these hours. You do not truly know yourself until you have seen what I've seen; what many have seen. I truly know myself. As daylight peaks over the horizon, you feel a sense of...uh...well, I can't explain it. No one can. You just have to experience this whole new level. Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside? Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

hopen eart

I've broken up with a girl twice, well, among the serious ones twice. No matter the reason sI gave, the major one was this: I was bored. You see, I find a thrill in getting girls to like me. I do it to almost all girls I meet. I try to get them to like me. After I'm convinced that they like me, I'm done with them. If I am attracted to them, I go out with them. I do this until I get bored I guess. In the two times that I mentioned, the girl was so obsessed and infactuated with me that it caused me to not like being with her anymore. I think what happened was I had nothing to work for. No matter what I did, I could not get that girl to like me more. It took the fun and excitement out of the relationship. Am I using girls? Am I doing something wrong? Those are my minor concerns. This is my major concern: the girl I am with now. I really care about her. She is different. I know you say that about every girl, but this is different. She is innocent, she is fragile, she is deserving of someone that will really care for her. I hope I can do this. I want to do this. I need to smooth my rough edges to love her. I know you're not supposed to change yourself for someone else, but there is a difference between someone changing you and someone making you into the person you want to be. Back to my original point, I don't want to become bored with her. I want everything to feel fresh and new, yet familiar. All I have is hope. I hope that this one is different. I hope that the normal rules don't apply. I hope that I can take this seriously. I hope

broken record

I am still on the same cycle of commitment, motivation, mistake, etc. It's a sick cycle as I've said before, but I am still trying to get over it. I will get over it. It's amazing how my state of mind can change so suddenly and rapidly. I can be motivated and then frustrated the next minute. I'm like night and day. At least I am not stoic and boring. I think I need to look at the bright side of things more. I think I am too pessamistic when it comes to myself, but optimistic when it comes to other people. Over time I've seen my problems lose focus on other people and focus on myself. What I mean is that I am not having problems forgiving people, or loving people, or anything like that; but I am hard on myself, and I cannot get myself to change. We'll see how that pans out.

entertainment issue

I cannot sit and do work for any substantial ammount of time. I think something is wrong with me. I might have some sort of dosorder. This sounds like a cop out, but I cannot bring myself to d oork for a long ammount of time. I just start thinking of how boring it is going to be and how much fun I could have doing other stuff. I have it.

miss takes

this has been benefitial. I've learned a lot about myself from this. I've enjoyed it and find it valuable. However, I still find myself making mistakes. I cannot stop. I know I am not perfect, but I can't stop making stupid mistakes. What will help? New habits? New mindsets? I don't know. I need a change before I don something I am going to regret. I am not a perfectionist, but this is rediculous. I can't run from all my mistakes, there are too many. Maybe I am overreacting.

let 'em learn

in the previous post, I explained how my girlfriend fell off a skateboard and ho nerve racking that was. Similarly is my friend Pete. Almost every new week holds a new infactuation for this kid. I mean that he likes a new girl. Not just like, he thinks she is his soulmate. Then the next week he convinces me that the previous week was a mistake. I love the kid. That is why I want to smack the kid in the head and shout, "what are you doing?" He's going to hurt someone. More importantly, he's going to hurt himself. However, his roommate, who I am closer with, assures me that the kids will learn. I ask when, and Jordan say sometime. This is my predicament: I hate to see people in pain or suffering. I want to tell them something to prevent hurt, but I must realize that experience is a lot more affective than words. I am scared of this when I become a father. I don't want to see my children in pain, but at the same time small children won't always take your word. For that matter, older children neither; teenagers. I think I might have to let the kid touch the stove. He won't get hurt too bad, and he won't do it again.

patience

I've been working on my patience for a while now; I'd say over a year. The results have been overwhelming. I find that I am quite the patient person. I have no qualms driving slow, waiting at stop lights, or waiting for the elevator door to close. I even feel superior when I'm with people and they lose their patience and I still have now. However, there is a time when I am not so patient. When I am waiting for my wonderful girlfriend, I can lose my patience. Or when I think she is in a bad ituation, I can't wait for her to get out of it. For example, she had to go to her room to get something, and I could not wait for her to get back. She wasn't gone for a terribly long time, just longer than I imagined, and I wanted her to come back now. It was a wierd feeling. One of the strangest feelings I've experienced in a long while. Another example was when she was on a skateboard. She lost her balance a few times, but quickly regained it. I wanted her to get off real bad and told her to. She kept trying, and I couldn't watch. I couldn't wait for her to get off. She fell. She's ok. I think all this patience losing is because O care for her. I think I really do. I need to be the best man that I can be for her.

wrong turn

well, I did not have concrete intentions for this blog. Whether that is a good thing or a bad one is to be determined later. The fact is that I am putting a lesson on the end of every post. Now, that is good, but can be ungood. I don't need a lesson on the end every time. That can stop me from posting when I merely need to type, and not necessarily find a lesson. Lessons come when they come, and should not be forced. So is this a project? Well, I started this to visualize my thought, and ultimately learn something about myself. That sounds like a porject, I guess. But then again, what in life is not of the projec caliber? So project or not, I am going to keep typing, thinking, and visualizing. Oh yeah, and I'm not going to change the title because that would be too much work.

cleaning house

on a whim, I deleted most of my music that I did not buy and was not a gift. I say most because there was some stuff I was not ready to part with, but I plan on buying the albums. I also cleaned my desk, something I haven't done in a while. I think I need to clean certain areas in my life. Lately, I have been merely seeping things under the rug, however this is not healthy. It is a temporary solution and the junk comes back when I can't fit anything else under said rug. I think I need to jettison unnecessary things in my life. Things just get in the way of the real goal. However, I must not go overboard obsessive and adopt an amish lifestyle. No offense to any amish reading; do you guys have internet anyay? Lesson 3: unnecessary junk in my life just gets in my way and must be jettisoned.

what's my motivation?

I think I might be undermotivated. Undermotivated to do everything. I am a simple creature. Not much can keep me occupied and interested for a prolonged ammount of time. Even when something needs to be done, I say to me "there are other things that I rather be doing." Isn't that terrible? Don't answer that--I already know the answer. It is pitiful. Things I must do I cannot convince myself to do. Who must I do these things for? I must come up with a compelling reason. I only try to please those I love and respect. If you are Joe Stranger, chances are that I will not go out of my way for you. That is bad. I feel as if my heart should break for those in need--no matter if I know them or not. Lesson number 2: I need to learn how to unconditionally care for everyone.

sick cycle

this is my life: commitment, motivation, mistake, depression. Don't worry, not clinical. In fact, I probably am making small problems into big ones, but this is me inside this head, not you. I don't mean to be sharp, but the fact is that I cannot stand my life. Yet I love my life. I think that everything in life is a balance. That is why I am never satisfied. As soon as I think something is sufficient, it gets out of balance. Lesson 1 learned: Since I think all things are a balance, it is damn near impossible for me to find satifaction.