Tuesday, February 28, 2006

ion will yo

"What motivates you?" or "What are you passionate about?" or "What is your heart broken on account of?" or "What do you feel God calling you to?"

I've just realized a sick cycle: determining God's will means following Him closely, does it not? Following God closely means being motivated to do so, does it not? Therefore, I am stuck between these two: being motivated means following God, and following God means being motivated.

I want to take the steps toward God, but I have not the will. Where does will come from? Well, from doing things that you are passionate about. I do not know what I am passionate about. So I ask God what will my heart be broken over, but I am not motivated to listen. See the cycle I'm getting at?

I feel like I'm standing outside of a double dutch, ready to jump in. Once I'm in, I'm golden, but the hard part is getting in. It takes concentration, practice, skill; all the things I don't feel like working on.


So far I think my heart breaks for unchurched high schoolers, but the thing is that it should be something that does not require thinking. I should know what my heart breaks for. I struggle with apathy. Your problems don't bother me. That is wrong. That is not Christ-like. I am broken.

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