Lame Duck Week

Christmas and New Years are a week apart to the day. To me this week is unlike any other during the year.

I'm in my office. None of my six coworkers are here. I'm not listening to Christmas music, like I have been for a few weeks straight. I'm working on my schedule for next year.

This is a lame duck week. It's a forgone conclusion. 2010 has started, but the calendar still says 2009. I'm ready for the new year, with its new opportunities and its fresh start. But I'm still in this year, with its thoughts of failure and "what could've been".

There are many changes I want to make in 2010; changes to my daily, weekly, and monthly routines. However, my attitude is "it's still 2009, I'll start those next week."

Why do I need checkpoints, landmarks, and turning points to improve myself? Why can't I change now? No, I rely on artificial time markers as if they, themselves, are what makes me improve.

I do. I do. I don't.

Was I ever meant to understand love? I can't wrap my mind around how one becomes selfless. I am so selfish. I cannot forfeit my own needs and wants to benefit someone else.

A famous writer once wrote that he did not understand what he does. He doesn't do the good he intends and fails to do the good he knows. He has no control over his actions.

I relate to that more than anything I can think of relating to (...in which to relate). So I identify with him. Now what? What are the steps to dealing with this problem or solving this situation?

I'm stuck in this cycle and don't know the proper way out. I can't think of a way to not end that with a preposition.

Christmas Presence

I've gotten into Christmas more this year than ever. The past few years I told myself I would really contemplate the true meaning of Christmas by by the third week of December I fell into the excitements of presents and stuff I'm getting.

I'm one of those people that likes to blast Christmas m

usic on the drive home from Thanksgiving, before it is even December. I've got every Christmas song released by Sufjan, Relient k, as well as a hefty collection of old school tunes (like Bing Crosby, Ella Fitgerald, Nat King Cole, Sinatra, Elvis, etc.), and some Charlie Brown representation.

We're at the start of week two, and all is calm, all is bright. I'm looking under my tree, seeing a dozen gifts wrapped in red and green paper. I'm fighting the urge to bend down and read who they are for, not to mention picking them up and shaking them. I've already been warned by my wife not to do that.

To me, Christmas is the celebration of Christ's birth--the signification that God loves us so much that he gave up the perfection, purity, and awesomeness of heaven to come down here to chill with us. Big deal? Yes. Coming to earth, Jesus faced all the imperfections this world has to offer--sickness, hunger, tiredness, betrayal, temptation--in a word: sin.

Yet, he never screwed up. I screw up all the time. But he didn't. That's why I get to celebrate Christmas.

hold the phone

As I was walking to my car today, I decided to call my mom. I found my home phone number in my cell and pressed send. Then I heard something I haven't heard in at least a year. I heard a busy signal.

When was the last time you heard a busy signal?

My parents don't own an answering machine. They don't own a computer. They don't use email. My mom figured out how to text message and now I get at least one a week.

It is hard to get into contact with my parents. Since coming to college, I've sped ahead from the primitive tech I knew in high school. If I need to get in touch with someone, I'll email them and they'll read the message at their leisure. I can't do that with my parents. I have to call them on the phone. How intentional is that? That means I have to talk then and there. I can't just have a one way conversation and hang up. I have to listen to them, too.

Do I sound like a bad son yet?

I don't have much contact with my parents nowadays. An occasional phone call. I don't really notice it. Just last week my dad called me after three failed attempts to reach each other. He told me to call my mother. Before I asked why I realized I hadn't talked to her in over two weeks. In fact, it may have been three.

Things are primitive with my parents. Maybe that is a good thing. When I have contact with my parents, things slow down. We really talk about things. We chat about our lives, what is taking up our time, what is annoying us, and what we are looking forward to. I could use that sort of thing in some of my relationships.

I'm living in this world where contact with someone is a brief wall post or a grammar-ignorant text message. The fact that my parents want to talk on the phone is a neat thing. I don't get to see them face to face very often. That is a sad thing.

Maybe I should make the effort to see people face to face. I should appreciate that I can do that.

I thought my days of dealing with pride were behind me.

I don't like writing thank you cards. I always mean to, but I put it off until the acceptable length of time to give a thank you card has passed. Regardless, I am thankful.

When someone goes out of their way for me, I feel awkward. I don't mean when a roommate washes a dish I left on the counter. I mean when a roommate spends a good portion of his day cleaning our whole apartment, toilet and all.

I don't know what to say in those situations. Thank you isn't enough. I say it multiple times, but I still feel like it isn't enough. I want to do something for him in return. But I don't feel like cleaning the whole apartment the next time it is dirty. I hate cleaning.

But I could clean the apartment. That is something that is physically possible for me, even though I detest it.

What happens when someone gives you something that you can't possibly pay back? That doesn't happen often.

My parents pay for my education. When they grow old, I am going to take care of them.

My girlfriend spends three hours on trains to see me for two. I skip class to see her. What a sacrifice!

What happens when you can't give in return?

Soldiers have given their lives so I can live in a democracy. People have died for people. Fathers for families. Friends for friends. Strangers for strangers.

They've paid the ultimate price. I cannot give my life for the soldiers who have already given their lives.

The Lord of the universe gave his only Son to me. Jesus Christ surrendered his life on the Cross in my stead. I now can live in commune with the Father and am hidden from his Wrath.

What am supposed to do in return? Grace is the most costly thing ever. I cannot possibly begin to earn any part of it. Though I try. Why? I struggle with pride.

God, I cannot accept this grace. I need to return the favor. I need to pay you back. Oh wait, I can't. How am I supposed to accept something I didn't earn?

Just accept it.

I can't earn it. But I will respond with a life of obedience to the Father. Or at least that is what I said when I started this Christian thing. Like most things, my zeal for God has faded. What's one little sin going to do to my relationship with the Father? What about a mound of transgressions? That is what I am sitting atop of.

Good thing grace is renewable, but I don't want to cheapen it. I don't understand this grace thing. I don't.

Am I supposed to?

where am i? where are you?

Life doesn't care. It doesn't care if you're tired, hungry, fed up, or not in the mood. It keeps coming at you without any regard to what is going on in your head. That is why right now I am juggling finals, future, and female.

I am barely surviving finals. Tomorrow, my chalk outline might be spread across my notes and books.

My future plans have to be put on hold until I can come up for air. I need to get the ball rolling faster on this Young Life thing.

If that were it, I'd be fine. I can handle that. But I'm having thoughts about my romantic relationship frequently. It's the weirdest thing. At times I'm sure that it is something that is going to happen, but then there are times when I have serious doubt. This is the hardest time yet in the relationship. If I bail now, I might catch a lot of flack, but it's not too late. If I ignore these feelings, and wait longer, it can become too late. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to screw our lives up.

I know some things to be true:
1. There are things about my girlfriend that really annoy me.
2. Sometimes I stop my thoughts about breaking up by telling myself that I've already committed too much to back out.
3. I am shallow. Some of my rationale for staying with her are the facts that she is smart and good at life; she has a lot of money saved; she has a secure future.

What if she knew these things?

I love her. There is not a doubt. There are plenty of reasons why I am with her. I would not be with her through all this if I didn't love her. I have trouble explaining myself, and rationalizing what I do, say, or like things. I can't list a, b, and c reasons why I love her. I can list why she'll be a good wife and mother, but I can't articulate my affinity for her. Am I supposed to?

Love is not a list. It's hardly a feeling. It's an action. But where's the line in how much I am supposed to act and how much I am supposed to feel. Love is not completely action. If that were true, anyone could love anybody. Love is not solely a feeling. If that were true, than relationships would be perfect.

There is a balance between how compatible two people are and how much work they need to put into a relationship. But where is the line that flirts between these two extremes perfectly? Where am I compared to this line.

Untitled

this was most coherent in my head
while in the shower. here is why;

there exists a place in my head
where the things are perfect;
there is no separation between
what I think and feel,
and what I see and touch.

my conceived propositions
and formulated emotions
are spotless; true renderings of my intellect.
I see the shapes as they are;
I spin them around and perceive them,
their traits, nooks, and nuances.

there exists a place in my presence
where things are imperfect
in this world before me,
the world I see, there is a separation;
a separation between my conception
and my perception.

what has happened in the space
between my head and mouth?
in that half-cubit divide
the things that are real got blotched;
as if the shapes of my conception
are mended by the imperfections of my maw.

the implications are momentous.

you stand in this place before me,
but you dance in my head;
timid are you in the world,
but carefree you whirl inside me.

and I have this for you;
this formation of my love;
it is perfect, jutting out in the right parts,
and reserved when appropriate;
it floats in my mind,
and I peruse it's beauty.

I want to give it to you;
this love without blemish,
but the world outside is different,
and when it passes through my orifice
it gets destroyed into a mangled wreck,
characterized by my iniquities.

can you ever see my love for you?
can a person see inside their lover's mind?
can something ruined be redeemed?

yes.

maybe not in this world,
but you will see;
until then I will provide glimpses
of this love so true,
fought back by my humanity.

I told you this was most coherent in my head.






(inspired by the girl who inspires me. thesaurus used four times)

The Purpose-Laden Life

Today I had a lazy day; but I did it the wrong way.

I got out of my first class a half of an hour early, and that started my demise. I could not resist the temptation to go back to my room and crawl back into my bed. I skipped my last class and chapel. Five hours later I woke up.

Why was I so dead? I have been making bad decisions at night, and staying up way too late. But on top of that, I have been very busy. Did I really need a day off?

YES.

Be it outside circumstances or selfish, stupid mistakes, we all need a bearther from time to time. We need a change of pace. We need to engage in things that require little or no brain power.

So here's my advice: if we're going to be unproductive for a day, let's do it productively.

~Take a nap to get caught up on the previous night's sleep. Set an alarm to steal back those eight hours.

-Do things that refresh you. Play a game, take a walk, read a book that's not for school.

>Don't miss your commitments. Be responsible and show up. Work hard and bank on the fact that you will relax that much harder when it's over.

:Do things you don't normally do. If you don't walk in the woods, try it. If you don't go to the mall, try it.

=Spend time with someone that cares about you; like God.

music to my ears, terrible music

The people I love the most try to help me. I don't always want them to. I want them to agree with me, and cheer me up; not challenge me and send me into needed deeper contemplation.

When I am thinking about something, I can't help but to send it past my lips. Today it was met with criticism and confrontation. I didn't want that. I wanted, "That sounds good. You're right. I'm with you." Instead I heard, "You shouldn't jump right into that. Think about it more." I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

Or maybe I should have. After it sinks in, I realize that this is better. Do you dislike having to admit someone is right? Even if they are a loved one?

Share your life. Share your heartache and happiness. Share it with people who care. But beware: you might hear things you don't want to. Be honest with yourself. Be brave.

Sunday Mourning

well, I broke down yesterday, and it took the patience and wisdom of my roommate to help me recover. If you are the praying type, I would ask that you offer an alm or two for my sake. Seriuosly, I feel like yesterday was the final steps unto the top of the hill. Smooth sailing and happiness from here on out. The only thing now is to jump into it. If I don't jump soon enough, I will be pushed, and that would not be natural.

if you have people out there who you can confide in, hang on to them with all your damn might. In the world in which we live, the people who are genuine carers are few and far bewtween. If someone loves you, try your darndest to hold on to them. How do you do that?

Love

Them

Back

conscience quenches

I'm now realizing the weight of my last post. People aren't always going to help you out, even when you think you deserve it.

To be honest, I'm not feeling to great right now. I'm not sick. I'm not necessarily angry. I'm confused really. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I remember getting this same feeling about this same time last year.

Why can't I be consistent? Is it really that hard. Am I doing something wrong? "I don't know," says the Judd.

I don't like you very much...

I've come to realize that throughout my life, I'm going to be working with people at one time or another that I don't exactly like or get along with. Hello predicament. Or is it really a predicament?

I think I've realized that these kind of relationships will be benefitial in the longrun. Each situation better preparing me for the next. It becomes a game, a test to see how much I can take.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I am the most valiant person, getting along with everyone that I came across. I'm saying that I am realizing this ahead of time, accepting it, and preparing myself for the future. You can too, it's easy, I promise.

ion will yo

"What motivates you?" or "What are you passionate about?" or "What is your heart broken on account of?" or "What do you feel God calling you to?"

I've just realized a sick cycle: determining God's will means following Him closely, does it not? Following God closely means being motivated to do so, does it not? Therefore, I am stuck between these two: being motivated means following God, and following God means being motivated.

I want to take the steps toward God, but I have not the will. Where does will come from? Well, from doing things that you are passionate about. I do not know what I am passionate about. So I ask God what will my heart be broken over, but I am not motivated to listen. See the cycle I'm getting at?

I feel like I'm standing outside of a double dutch, ready to jump in. Once I'm in, I'm golden, but the hard part is getting in. It takes concentration, practice, skill; all the things I don't feel like working on.


So far I think my heart breaks for unchurched high schoolers, but the thing is that it should be something that does not require thinking. I should know what my heart breaks for. I struggle with apathy. Your problems don't bother me. That is wrong. That is not Christ-like. I am broken.

I got inked

I've got two things currently written on my right palm: purity and sacrifice. They are written on my right palm because I am left handed, and they are faded because I wrote them there at about a quarter to four. Also, I tried to write them in fancy, creative script. That is because two reasons: (1) so I spell them correctly and (2) so I actually concentrate on what they mean and why I am writing them on my hand. Actually, it is slightly pointless because I hardy ever look at them, but they are a good reminder.

Why purity? Well, it is easy to master, but not fun. It is easy to lose. In our culture, not much separates you from everyone else, but this does. Purity is a lost art. People do not realize how valuable it is, and I am among them.

Sacrifice is the fundemental principle behind my salvation. Sacrifice is love. Sacrifice is Love.

Never Enough

everything's gotta be my tme. I have come to the point where I will not go out of the way for anyone. What has happened to me? It used to be that I would not mind inconveniencing myself for the sake of someone else. I am not saying that I was perfect. Far from it actually, but I was going in the right direction. Now I am not even stumbling in the right direction; I am either still or going in the wrong direction. Bottom line is that I need to love other people and love myself so that I can accept God's love for me. Let's face it, I have a hard time accepting God's love. This is because He has done everything for me and all I can do for him is not enough. He has forgiven my sins and taken me back countless times, and I have turned countless times. My greatest deeds are meaningless. But God does not expect me to amount to His love. He expects my honest effort and my best. I kno my best is not good enough, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am giving him my all. A-L-L. That's all, mama.
Lesson: I need to love others and myself to accept Christ's Love.

insomnia

I find the night very pleasing. Calm. Everyone's asleep. Except for those few people who are in it with you. Your fellow soldiers. Faceing the long, dark night with you. You are the brave. You know it has to get done, and you know how you have to do it. You have your caffine, regardless of how you spell it, and you have your mission, regardless if you accomplish it. I have to pee. The truth is that I do not accomplish nearly enough work to pair with the time it takes me. No matter. It doesn't bother me. This is because of the things I think and the things I do at these hours. You do not truly know yourself until you have seen what I've seen; what many have seen. I truly know myself. As daylight peaks over the horizon, you feel a sense of...uh...well, I can't explain it. No one can. You just have to experience this whole new level. Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside? Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

hopen eart

I've broken up with a girl twice, well, among the serious ones twice. No matter the reason sI gave, the major one was this: I was bored. You see, I find a thrill in getting girls to like me. I do it to almost all girls I meet. I try to get them to like me. After I'm convinced that they like me, I'm done with them. If I am attracted to them, I go out with them. I do this until I get bored I guess. In the two times that I mentioned, the girl was so obsessed and infactuated with me that it caused me to not like being with her anymore. I think what happened was I had nothing to work for. No matter what I did, I could not get that girl to like me more. It took the fun and excitement out of the relationship. Am I using girls? Am I doing something wrong? Those are my minor concerns. This is my major concern: the girl I am with now. I really care about her. She is different. I know you say that about every girl, but this is different. She is innocent, she is fragile, she is deserving of someone that will really care for her. I hope I can do this. I want to do this. I need to smooth my rough edges to love her. I know you're not supposed to change yourself for someone else, but there is a difference between someone changing you and someone making you into the person you want to be. Back to my original point, I don't want to become bored with her. I want everything to feel fresh and new, yet familiar. All I have is hope. I hope that this one is different. I hope that the normal rules don't apply. I hope that I can take this seriously. I hope

broken record

I am still on the same cycle of commitment, motivation, mistake, etc. It's a sick cycle as I've said before, but I am still trying to get over it. I will get over it. It's amazing how my state of mind can change so suddenly and rapidly. I can be motivated and then frustrated the next minute. I'm like night and day. At least I am not stoic and boring. I think I need to look at the bright side of things more. I think I am too pessamistic when it comes to myself, but optimistic when it comes to other people. Over time I've seen my problems lose focus on other people and focus on myself. What I mean is that I am not having problems forgiving people, or loving people, or anything like that; but I am hard on myself, and I cannot get myself to change. We'll see how that pans out.

entertainment issue

I cannot sit and do work for any substantial ammount of time. I think something is wrong with me. I might have some sort of dosorder. This sounds like a cop out, but I cannot bring myself to d oork for a long ammount of time. I just start thinking of how boring it is going to be and how much fun I could have doing other stuff. I have it.

miss takes

this has been benefitial. I've learned a lot about myself from this. I've enjoyed it and find it valuable. However, I still find myself making mistakes. I cannot stop. I know I am not perfect, but I can't stop making stupid mistakes. What will help? New habits? New mindsets? I don't know. I need a change before I don something I am going to regret. I am not a perfectionist, but this is rediculous. I can't run from all my mistakes, there are too many. Maybe I am overreacting.