where am i? where are you?

Life doesn't care. It doesn't care if you're tired, hungry, fed up, or not in the mood. It keeps coming at you without any regard to what is going on in your head. That is why right now I am juggling finals, future, and female.

I am barely surviving finals. Tomorrow, my chalk outline might be spread across my notes and books.

My future plans have to be put on hold until I can come up for air. I need to get the ball rolling faster on this Young Life thing.

If that were it, I'd be fine. I can handle that. But I'm having thoughts about my romantic relationship frequently. It's the weirdest thing. At times I'm sure that it is something that is going to happen, but then there are times when I have serious doubt. This is the hardest time yet in the relationship. If I bail now, I might catch a lot of flack, but it's not too late. If I ignore these feelings, and wait longer, it can become too late. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to screw our lives up.

I know some things to be true:
1. There are things about my girlfriend that really annoy me.
2. Sometimes I stop my thoughts about breaking up by telling myself that I've already committed too much to back out.
3. I am shallow. Some of my rationale for staying with her are the facts that she is smart and good at life; she has a lot of money saved; she has a secure future.

What if she knew these things?

I love her. There is not a doubt. There are plenty of reasons why I am with her. I would not be with her through all this if I didn't love her. I have trouble explaining myself, and rationalizing what I do, say, or like things. I can't list a, b, and c reasons why I love her. I can list why she'll be a good wife and mother, but I can't articulate my affinity for her. Am I supposed to?

Love is not a list. It's hardly a feeling. It's an action. But where's the line in how much I am supposed to act and how much I am supposed to feel. Love is not completely action. If that were true, anyone could love anybody. Love is not solely a feeling. If that were true, than relationships would be perfect.

There is a balance between how compatible two people are and how much work they need to put into a relationship. But where is the line that flirts between these two extremes perfectly? Where am I compared to this line.