I thought my days of dealing with pride were behind me.

I don't like writing thank you cards. I always mean to, but I put it off until the acceptable length of time to give a thank you card has passed. Regardless, I am thankful.

When someone goes out of their way for me, I feel awkward. I don't mean when a roommate washes a dish I left on the counter. I mean when a roommate spends a good portion of his day cleaning our whole apartment, toilet and all.

I don't know what to say in those situations. Thank you isn't enough. I say it multiple times, but I still feel like it isn't enough. I want to do something for him in return. But I don't feel like cleaning the whole apartment the next time it is dirty. I hate cleaning.

But I could clean the apartment. That is something that is physically possible for me, even though I detest it.

What happens when someone gives you something that you can't possibly pay back? That doesn't happen often.

My parents pay for my education. When they grow old, I am going to take care of them.

My girlfriend spends three hours on trains to see me for two. I skip class to see her. What a sacrifice!

What happens when you can't give in return?

Soldiers have given their lives so I can live in a democracy. People have died for people. Fathers for families. Friends for friends. Strangers for strangers.

They've paid the ultimate price. I cannot give my life for the soldiers who have already given their lives.

The Lord of the universe gave his only Son to me. Jesus Christ surrendered his life on the Cross in my stead. I now can live in commune with the Father and am hidden from his Wrath.

What am supposed to do in return? Grace is the most costly thing ever. I cannot possibly begin to earn any part of it. Though I try. Why? I struggle with pride.

God, I cannot accept this grace. I need to return the favor. I need to pay you back. Oh wait, I can't. How am I supposed to accept something I didn't earn?

Just accept it.

I can't earn it. But I will respond with a life of obedience to the Father. Or at least that is what I said when I started this Christian thing. Like most things, my zeal for God has faded. What's one little sin going to do to my relationship with the Father? What about a mound of transgressions? That is what I am sitting atop of.

Good thing grace is renewable, but I don't want to cheapen it. I don't understand this grace thing. I don't.

Am I supposed to?