broken record

I am still on the same cycle of commitment, motivation, mistake, etc. It's a sick cycle as I've said before, but I am still trying to get over it. I will get over it. It's amazing how my state of mind can change so suddenly and rapidly. I can be motivated and then frustrated the next minute. I'm like night and day. At least I am not stoic and boring. I think I need to look at the bright side of things more. I think I am too pessamistic when it comes to myself, but optimistic when it comes to other people. Over time I've seen my problems lose focus on other people and focus on myself. What I mean is that I am not having problems forgiving people, or loving people, or anything like that; but I am hard on myself, and I cannot get myself to change. We'll see how that pans out.

entertainment issue

I cannot sit and do work for any substantial ammount of time. I think something is wrong with me. I might have some sort of dosorder. This sounds like a cop out, but I cannot bring myself to d oork for a long ammount of time. I just start thinking of how boring it is going to be and how much fun I could have doing other stuff. I have it.

miss takes

this has been benefitial. I've learned a lot about myself from this. I've enjoyed it and find it valuable. However, I still find myself making mistakes. I cannot stop. I know I am not perfect, but I can't stop making stupid mistakes. What will help? New habits? New mindsets? I don't know. I need a change before I don something I am going to regret. I am not a perfectionist, but this is rediculous. I can't run from all my mistakes, there are too many. Maybe I am overreacting.

let 'em learn

in the previous post, I explained how my girlfriend fell off a skateboard and ho nerve racking that was. Similarly is my friend Pete. Almost every new week holds a new infactuation for this kid. I mean that he likes a new girl. Not just like, he thinks she is his soulmate. Then the next week he convinces me that the previous week was a mistake. I love the kid. That is why I want to smack the kid in the head and shout, "what are you doing?" He's going to hurt someone. More importantly, he's going to hurt himself. However, his roommate, who I am closer with, assures me that the kids will learn. I ask when, and Jordan say sometime. This is my predicament: I hate to see people in pain or suffering. I want to tell them something to prevent hurt, but I must realize that experience is a lot more affective than words. I am scared of this when I become a father. I don't want to see my children in pain, but at the same time small children won't always take your word. For that matter, older children neither; teenagers. I think I might have to let the kid touch the stove. He won't get hurt too bad, and he won't do it again.

patience

I've been working on my patience for a while now; I'd say over a year. The results have been overwhelming. I find that I am quite the patient person. I have no qualms driving slow, waiting at stop lights, or waiting for the elevator door to close. I even feel superior when I'm with people and they lose their patience and I still have now. However, there is a time when I am not so patient. When I am waiting for my wonderful girlfriend, I can lose my patience. Or when I think she is in a bad ituation, I can't wait for her to get out of it. For example, she had to go to her room to get something, and I could not wait for her to get back. She wasn't gone for a terribly long time, just longer than I imagined, and I wanted her to come back now. It was a wierd feeling. One of the strangest feelings I've experienced in a long while. Another example was when she was on a skateboard. She lost her balance a few times, but quickly regained it. I wanted her to get off real bad and told her to. She kept trying, and I couldn't watch. I couldn't wait for her to get off. She fell. She's ok. I think all this patience losing is because O care for her. I think I really do. I need to be the best man that I can be for her.

wrong turn

well, I did not have concrete intentions for this blog. Whether that is a good thing or a bad one is to be determined later. The fact is that I am putting a lesson on the end of every post. Now, that is good, but can be ungood. I don't need a lesson on the end every time. That can stop me from posting when I merely need to type, and not necessarily find a lesson. Lessons come when they come, and should not be forced. So is this a project? Well, I started this to visualize my thought, and ultimately learn something about myself. That sounds like a porject, I guess. But then again, what in life is not of the projec caliber? So project or not, I am going to keep typing, thinking, and visualizing. Oh yeah, and I'm not going to change the title because that would be too much work.

cleaning house

on a whim, I deleted most of my music that I did not buy and was not a gift. I say most because there was some stuff I was not ready to part with, but I plan on buying the albums. I also cleaned my desk, something I haven't done in a while. I think I need to clean certain areas in my life. Lately, I have been merely seeping things under the rug, however this is not healthy. It is a temporary solution and the junk comes back when I can't fit anything else under said rug. I think I need to jettison unnecessary things in my life. Things just get in the way of the real goal. However, I must not go overboard obsessive and adopt an amish lifestyle. No offense to any amish reading; do you guys have internet anyay? Lesson 3: unnecessary junk in my life just gets in my way and must be jettisoned.

what's my motivation?

I think I might be undermotivated. Undermotivated to do everything. I am a simple creature. Not much can keep me occupied and interested for a prolonged ammount of time. Even when something needs to be done, I say to me "there are other things that I rather be doing." Isn't that terrible? Don't answer that--I already know the answer. It is pitiful. Things I must do I cannot convince myself to do. Who must I do these things for? I must come up with a compelling reason. I only try to please those I love and respect. If you are Joe Stranger, chances are that I will not go out of my way for you. That is bad. I feel as if my heart should break for those in need--no matter if I know them or not. Lesson number 2: I need to learn how to unconditionally care for everyone.

sick cycle

this is my life: commitment, motivation, mistake, depression. Don't worry, not clinical. In fact, I probably am making small problems into big ones, but this is me inside this head, not you. I don't mean to be sharp, but the fact is that I cannot stand my life. Yet I love my life. I think that everything in life is a balance. That is why I am never satisfied. As soon as I think something is sufficient, it gets out of balance. Lesson 1 learned: Since I think all things are a balance, it is damn near impossible for me to find satifaction.