hold the phone

As I was walking to my car today, I decided to call my mom. I found my home phone number in my cell and pressed send. Then I heard something I haven't heard in at least a year. I heard a busy signal.

When was the last time you heard a busy signal?

My parents don't own an answering machine. They don't own a computer. They don't use email. My mom figured out how to text message and now I get at least one a week.

It is hard to get into contact with my parents. Since coming to college, I've sped ahead from the primitive tech I knew in high school. If I need to get in touch with someone, I'll email them and they'll read the message at their leisure. I can't do that with my parents. I have to call them on the phone. How intentional is that? That means I have to talk then and there. I can't just have a one way conversation and hang up. I have to listen to them, too.

Do I sound like a bad son yet?

I don't have much contact with my parents nowadays. An occasional phone call. I don't really notice it. Just last week my dad called me after three failed attempts to reach each other. He told me to call my mother. Before I asked why I realized I hadn't talked to her in over two weeks. In fact, it may have been three.

Things are primitive with my parents. Maybe that is a good thing. When I have contact with my parents, things slow down. We really talk about things. We chat about our lives, what is taking up our time, what is annoying us, and what we are looking forward to. I could use that sort of thing in some of my relationships.

I'm living in this world where contact with someone is a brief wall post or a grammar-ignorant text message. The fact that my parents want to talk on the phone is a neat thing. I don't get to see them face to face very often. That is a sad thing.

Maybe I should make the effort to see people face to face. I should appreciate that I can do that.

I thought my days of dealing with pride were behind me.

I don't like writing thank you cards. I always mean to, but I put it off until the acceptable length of time to give a thank you card has passed. Regardless, I am thankful.

When someone goes out of their way for me, I feel awkward. I don't mean when a roommate washes a dish I left on the counter. I mean when a roommate spends a good portion of his day cleaning our whole apartment, toilet and all.

I don't know what to say in those situations. Thank you isn't enough. I say it multiple times, but I still feel like it isn't enough. I want to do something for him in return. But I don't feel like cleaning the whole apartment the next time it is dirty. I hate cleaning.

But I could clean the apartment. That is something that is physically possible for me, even though I detest it.

What happens when someone gives you something that you can't possibly pay back? That doesn't happen often.

My parents pay for my education. When they grow old, I am going to take care of them.

My girlfriend spends three hours on trains to see me for two. I skip class to see her. What a sacrifice!

What happens when you can't give in return?

Soldiers have given their lives so I can live in a democracy. People have died for people. Fathers for families. Friends for friends. Strangers for strangers.

They've paid the ultimate price. I cannot give my life for the soldiers who have already given their lives.

The Lord of the universe gave his only Son to me. Jesus Christ surrendered his life on the Cross in my stead. I now can live in commune with the Father and am hidden from his Wrath.

What am supposed to do in return? Grace is the most costly thing ever. I cannot possibly begin to earn any part of it. Though I try. Why? I struggle with pride.

God, I cannot accept this grace. I need to return the favor. I need to pay you back. Oh wait, I can't. How am I supposed to accept something I didn't earn?

Just accept it.

I can't earn it. But I will respond with a life of obedience to the Father. Or at least that is what I said when I started this Christian thing. Like most things, my zeal for God has faded. What's one little sin going to do to my relationship with the Father? What about a mound of transgressions? That is what I am sitting atop of.

Good thing grace is renewable, but I don't want to cheapen it. I don't understand this grace thing. I don't.

Am I supposed to?

where am i? where are you?

Life doesn't care. It doesn't care if you're tired, hungry, fed up, or not in the mood. It keeps coming at you without any regard to what is going on in your head. That is why right now I am juggling finals, future, and female.

I am barely surviving finals. Tomorrow, my chalk outline might be spread across my notes and books.

My future plans have to be put on hold until I can come up for air. I need to get the ball rolling faster on this Young Life thing.

If that were it, I'd be fine. I can handle that. But I'm having thoughts about my romantic relationship frequently. It's the weirdest thing. At times I'm sure that it is something that is going to happen, but then there are times when I have serious doubt. This is the hardest time yet in the relationship. If I bail now, I might catch a lot of flack, but it's not too late. If I ignore these feelings, and wait longer, it can become too late. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to screw our lives up.

I know some things to be true:
1. There are things about my girlfriend that really annoy me.
2. Sometimes I stop my thoughts about breaking up by telling myself that I've already committed too much to back out.
3. I am shallow. Some of my rationale for staying with her are the facts that she is smart and good at life; she has a lot of money saved; she has a secure future.

What if she knew these things?

I love her. There is not a doubt. There are plenty of reasons why I am with her. I would not be with her through all this if I didn't love her. I have trouble explaining myself, and rationalizing what I do, say, or like things. I can't list a, b, and c reasons why I love her. I can list why she'll be a good wife and mother, but I can't articulate my affinity for her. Am I supposed to?

Love is not a list. It's hardly a feeling. It's an action. But where's the line in how much I am supposed to act and how much I am supposed to feel. Love is not completely action. If that were true, anyone could love anybody. Love is not solely a feeling. If that were true, than relationships would be perfect.

There is a balance between how compatible two people are and how much work they need to put into a relationship. But where is the line that flirts between these two extremes perfectly? Where am I compared to this line.