ion will yo

"What motivates you?" or "What are you passionate about?" or "What is your heart broken on account of?" or "What do you feel God calling you to?"

I've just realized a sick cycle: determining God's will means following Him closely, does it not? Following God closely means being motivated to do so, does it not? Therefore, I am stuck between these two: being motivated means following God, and following God means being motivated.

I want to take the steps toward God, but I have not the will. Where does will come from? Well, from doing things that you are passionate about. I do not know what I am passionate about. So I ask God what will my heart be broken over, but I am not motivated to listen. See the cycle I'm getting at?

I feel like I'm standing outside of a double dutch, ready to jump in. Once I'm in, I'm golden, but the hard part is getting in. It takes concentration, practice, skill; all the things I don't feel like working on.


So far I think my heart breaks for unchurched high schoolers, but the thing is that it should be something that does not require thinking. I should know what my heart breaks for. I struggle with apathy. Your problems don't bother me. That is wrong. That is not Christ-like. I am broken.

I got inked

I've got two things currently written on my right palm: purity and sacrifice. They are written on my right palm because I am left handed, and they are faded because I wrote them there at about a quarter to four. Also, I tried to write them in fancy, creative script. That is because two reasons: (1) so I spell them correctly and (2) so I actually concentrate on what they mean and why I am writing them on my hand. Actually, it is slightly pointless because I hardy ever look at them, but they are a good reminder.

Why purity? Well, it is easy to master, but not fun. It is easy to lose. In our culture, not much separates you from everyone else, but this does. Purity is a lost art. People do not realize how valuable it is, and I am among them.

Sacrifice is the fundemental principle behind my salvation. Sacrifice is love. Sacrifice is Love.

Never Enough

everything's gotta be my tme. I have come to the point where I will not go out of the way for anyone. What has happened to me? It used to be that I would not mind inconveniencing myself for the sake of someone else. I am not saying that I was perfect. Far from it actually, but I was going in the right direction. Now I am not even stumbling in the right direction; I am either still or going in the wrong direction. Bottom line is that I need to love other people and love myself so that I can accept God's love for me. Let's face it, I have a hard time accepting God's love. This is because He has done everything for me and all I can do for him is not enough. He has forgiven my sins and taken me back countless times, and I have turned countless times. My greatest deeds are meaningless. But God does not expect me to amount to His love. He expects my honest effort and my best. I kno my best is not good enough, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am giving him my all. A-L-L. That's all, mama.
Lesson: I need to love others and myself to accept Christ's Love.

insomnia

I find the night very pleasing. Calm. Everyone's asleep. Except for those few people who are in it with you. Your fellow soldiers. Faceing the long, dark night with you. You are the brave. You know it has to get done, and you know how you have to do it. You have your caffine, regardless of how you spell it, and you have your mission, regardless if you accomplish it. I have to pee. The truth is that I do not accomplish nearly enough work to pair with the time it takes me. No matter. It doesn't bother me. This is because of the things I think and the things I do at these hours. You do not truly know yourself until you have seen what I've seen; what many have seen. I truly know myself. As daylight peaks over the horizon, you feel a sense of...uh...well, I can't explain it. No one can. You just have to experience this whole new level. Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside? Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?