this pen is rrrrrrrrrrrrrroyal blue!

It's taken me almost two years in the "real world" to learn that some of the old schemes I used to use won't fly anymore. Back in school I was a major procrastinator; I mean major. Not only a procrastinator, but often times I didn't hand things in. That's how bad it was.

Some of those habits are following me. That's predominantly why I'm blogging now; because I'm procrastinating in something else.

A lesson that I often get faced with but haven't learned yet is the fact that problems and issues are internal; external changes won't solve them. If you have a lying problem, moving out of state will not fix said problem. It will still be there.

I'm too stubborn to learn this lesson. The deeper I dig myself, the more I deny this problem.

Open Hours

I've been really challenged emotionally lately, and my reaction is to close up all the more. Not always; I've had good days. But it's still easier to close up.

Life wasn't meant to be lived alone. This is something I've been told, believe, and tell others. Yet, I don't practice. I can't believe how closed I can been--not letting others into my life and goings-on. How did the kids everyone called, "friendly" "outgoing" & "open" become a man that is so emotionally alone?

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. Maybe I am not giving myself enough credit. I don't know. It's a complicated thing because in some things I'm open, and in others I'm as closed as ever.

Hopefully I'll have something more cheery to post next time.

why so serious?

I took a deep dive into the past this week. I've read a great deal of blog posts from college spanning over two years. Lots of ups and downs.

It's been a rough year so far. 2010 has delivered quite the one-two punch. I'm going to counseling next week -- my first time. I'm a little nervous, but eager to talk to someone who might know a thing or two about what I'm dealing with.

When did life get so serious?

I feel transplanted from the people I feel comfortable opening up to and plopped amidst people who want me to be open with them. It's a two way street.

I miss the humor that saturated my life, conversations, and thoughts.

Chase 130

When we graduated college and spread out, we said the only time we'd see each other was at our weddings. None of us figured a funeral would do the same.

We all thought he'd come around. At least we'll all hoped he would.

I've never had someone this close to me die. I lived with him for a year. Now I'll never see him again. Not in this life.